The Launceston Examiner’s recent brilliant investigative and analytical reports that enabled them to show that a burned doormat and a green penis painted on someone’s property wall must have been carried out by ‘expertly trained anti-pulp mill operatives’, have set new levels of journalism..

Now, using the same fact checking, logic and ethical standards laid down by the Examiner, citizen journalists can now reveal the whole, frightening truth. Here’s how -

C.S.I. Launceston

Examiner investigators know, without police investigation, how to distinguish between the routine nightly street graffiti, as practiced in East Launceston, and the deeper, darker messages orchestrated by anti-pulp mill activists.

So transparent to them was the ‘attack’ that the Examiner knew they had to call in ‘special writer, ex Premier Paul Lennon and pro pulp mill enthusiast, who confirmed that ‘these people (the vandals) believe that they are above the law…and can break the law with impunity in order to draw attention to themselves’.

How could they have known? There were no clues…the police were still investigating what looked to everyone else just like another ‘late night drunken attack’ that residents reported occurred frequently in the area.

Yet somehow the Examiner knew enough to call in just the right people to break through the entire façade.

That’s investigative journalism for you. That’s forensic analysis and fact checking at its best.

Stunning information

In heartbreaking revelations in the same issue, Paul Lennon himself revealed how he and his family suffered personally (or at least virtually) from the same dastardly deeds.

We too have suffered virtual home invasion at the hands of expertly trained anti- pulp mill operatives. P. Lennon. Examiner 13/10/09

According to the dictionary ‘virtual’ means…

Existing or resulting in essence or effect though not in actual fact, form, or name: the virtual extinction of the buffalo.
Existing in the mind, especially as a product of the imagination.
Computer Science. Created, simulated, or carried on by means of a computer or computer network.
So the home invasion that Mr Lennon reveals exists in the mind, rather than in actual fact.

Lesson 2: If it’s enough to exist in the mind, it’s enough for a big colour spread.

Respond to the call

The spotlight needed to be turned on those members of the anti-pulp mill organisation who regard themselves as non-violent and law-abiding protesters to demand they co-operate with police to help identify those among them who are responsible for these despicable attacks before they seriously injure someone. P. Lennon. Examiner 13/10/09

Based on multiple opinion polls over 60% of Tasmanians are opposed to the Lennon ‘fast track’ no assessment mill while Mr. Lennon only enjoyed the support of 17% of Tasmanians at the time of his rapid departure from politics. His call is therefore from a minority ex leader to leaders of a majority 3 times the size of his support base.

He therefore used his staggering credentials as ex-Premier to instruct those controlling the majority opinion on how to act responsibly in a democracy.

He is signalling that leaders are responsible for telling their followers how to think and act. Anti-pulp mill forces have for too long left the thinking up to the community – Mr. Lennon shows that it is past time for that to change. The leaders should do the community members’ thinking for them.

Lesson 3: In print journalism, it’s OK to lecture the accused and their supporters.

Learning from the experts

Now, using similar investigative and fact confirmation techniques by exemplars like those at the Examiner, our own investigators can reveal details of secret anti-forestry, anti-development training camps.

No one is too young

Our journalists’ risked their lives to smuggle out candid pictures of young bodies hurling themselves into professional assault courses to produce the ‘expertly trained anti-pulp mill operatives’ who will carry out their heinous ‘virtual’ attacks.

We saw forestry protest training camps that take innocent young Aussies and twist their unformed minds through brainwashing and assault courses, turning them into mindless anti-forestry automata who will climb bridges, sit on top of poles, walk down publicly funded roads and otherwise create mayhem in our forests and in our society.

How the ‘expert operatives’ are made. Exclusive Pix!!!

We even found ‘mini-assault’ courses especially for young children, who were forced to swarm up and down scaled down bridges to practice for their later careers inconveniencing the public while on the dole. Our dramatic infographic shows how the process works to turn young minds into anti-forestry goons.

A new standard of journalism

To wrap up, we would like to thank the Examiner for resetting the bar on the standards of journalism and fact checking in Tasmania. They have opened a whole new world to the rest of us.

The Examiner’s pacesetting has enabled citizen journalists to engage more fully and easily in creating news, and has acted as a service to struggling newspapers by showing them how to produce news at the lowest possible cost.

Thanks Examiner.

For Citizen Journalists everywhere

STOP PRESS: Anti pulp mill factions penetrate police

‘LAUNCESTON police say an alleged smoke bomb attack on the home of Gunns Ltd chairman John Gay at the weekend was a prank’. The Examiner 13/10/2009 3:49:00 PM

How can we be expected to believe this tosh when someone of Paul Lennon’s stature has been so clear in pointing the finger at anti-pulp mill forces? ‘Anybody who seriously believes this latest attack against John and his family was not orchestrated by the anti-pulp mill campaigners is kidding themselves’. P. Lennon, The Examiner 13/10/09

Given Mr Lennon’s statements, it is apparent that Acting Detective Inspector John Parker of Launceston CIB, who released the ‘prank’ statement, is one person who must ‘be kidding himself’.

There remains little for us but to conclude that the police themselves must have been penetrated by ‘expertly trained operatives’ from insurgent anti-pulp mill forces. 

God help us all.