IN ITS scrupulous efforts not to bore readers, the Australian press has become more boring than ever before.

Whenever I see yet another a front page featuring Delta Goodrem’s geisha smile, Kylie Minogue’s Wonderbra’d bosom (pre- and post-affliction) or Schapelle Corby’s badly plucked eyebrows (one beautician I’ll never be giving my business to), I yearn for a time when newspapers had no adornment at all.

Column after column of stories, running one after the other down the page, for page after page, only broken up by uniform-sized headlines and advertisments for hearth blacking. In these papers, words painted pictures and gave information.

Modern newspapers neither inform nor entertain. And their pictures only confirm what we know already. Like travel stories, they show us what we expect to see (No visit to Paris would be complete without a trip to the Eiffel Tower; all residents of the Balkans are headscarf-wearing peasants; dear old dapple-cheeked ladies blah blah blah.)

Any picture/story that shatters a stereotype is ruled out as confusing and at odds with the norm. To further soothe readers, there’s endless stories about the only thing that matters to Australians.  Did I hear you say sport? World peace? A fair deal for all ..?

Nah, it’s bricks and mortar, mate. Better homes, dream kitchens, nightmare renovations, Alessi lemon squeezers, interest rate squeezes, adding value to your property, adding a water feature to your garden. Home is where the heart is.

John Howard has moulded a nation of self-interested introverted stay-at-homes-and-pave-the-courtyards.

And the media has found a cheap and easy subject for its supplements. There was a brief seductive period when the chance to get all the lifestyle fluff and escapist glamour of a glossy magazine rolled into the price of your daily newspaper seemed a bloody good bargain.

But I’m so sick of lifestyle, I’m considering having mine surgically removed. And the formula that put lifestyle and celebrity flash into the newspaper — the `Give the people what they want’ theory — went right on and seeped, like rising damp, into news values.

Now the important thing is not to bore anyone with a story. For example, nobody wanted governance (that is, what all the work going on behind the hoopla of Parliament could end up meaning for you, your family, your friends, your community, your country ...). That’s too boring, isn’t it? 

And, of course, politics is boring — deliberately and wilfully boring — with John Howard at the helm.

His most important political strategy has been to convince people he really is a boring little man, to bore people off politics so that they turn off and no longer notice what’s going on — unless it hits them in the mortgage repayments.

Meanwhile, what’s going on? Can you see the big picture ...  or just your new widescreen home theatre screen?

Gabfest is a Tasmanian media professional