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SHAREMARKET TURMOIL HITS HOME: Launceston hasn’t escaped the turmoil in financial markets, with local investors counting the cost of the slump. Invermay Masseur Cory Trent became an equities trader two years ago when he was given 387 MyState shares, but now he’s worried about the future. ``My partner told me to switch from equities to bonds last month,’’ he said, ``but the yield spread was too tight and US corporate valuations still looked reasonable.’’ ``Unless the FED and Eurozone relax fiscal policy urgently, I could lose the lot,’’ he added. ``At least my partner and I still have our health.’‘

BREAKING NEWS: The Premier has lashed out at suggestions that the historic forestry agreement was framed to appease `champagne-sipping Greens’. ``The agreement was the culmination of a round table agreement, where everybody had a say,’’ Ms Giddings. ``We took into account the rubbish spouted by beer-swilling loggers, their shrewish, cooler-sculling wives, and even the prudish tea-drinking members of the TCCI.’’ Ms Giddings was speaking from a trendy Melbourne cafe where she is currently enjoying a week of sick leave.

MALL VIOLENCE PLAN: Launceston retailers have hailed a Government proposal which should see an end to violence in the city’s mall. The plan, which requires matching Commonwealth funding, will see the V8 Supercars race every day of the year at Symmons Plains. Metro will provide a free, one-way service to the event. ``Centrelink will be on hand to provide emergency funding, and mixed martial arts demonstrations and amateur tattooists will entertain the crowd,’’ Ms Giddings said.

MOVE OVER DUBAI, HERE COMES LAUNCESTON! In breaking news, Council has approved the development of a 935 metre tall office tower on the Birchall’s car park site. To contain 3,700 offices and more than 1,200 retail spaces, the massive glass and perspex tower will dwarf the adjacent Myer building by around 905 metres. Architects Kidd Fidler & Co said the building would also house an olympic size swimming pool, equestrian arena and indoor ski run. The Chamber of Commerce has welcomed the news.

But wait, there’s more: New Launceston Examiner, HERE